Flooding during Conflict.
What is flooding and how can we deal with it?
Flooding, also known as diffuse physiological arousal, happens with we are engaged in conflict or perceived conflict with another person. This means that flooding is a process connected to our relationships. Flooding in conflict increases the negative experiences we have within relationships. Flooding is the body’s response to a threat, and is experienced as a sense of complete physiological overwhelm. When we are flooded, we become unable to engage meaningfully, problem solve, or even to be able to continue to engage in conversation. Flooding can make it seem like the we are frozen or paralyzed, as we have a complete inability to respond. This is the result of the sympathetic nervous system being triggered. When this system is triggered, it reacts with a fight, flight, or freeze response. This response is automatic, and we are not choosing to respond this way.
When we become flooded, everything freezes. It may be difficult to keep track of time, information, and details, making it almost impossible for us to respond the way they would like to. You are not "stupid" or "dumb" if you become flooded during conflict and feel unable to respond.
During flooding, the prefrontal cortex (PFC) in the brain is less accessible. The PFC is responsible for thinking clearly and logically, therefore if this part of the brain becomes less accessible, it becomes extremely difficult to respond with rational thought. When this happens we can appear calm but be experiencing someone completely opposite within our bodies and our minds. During flooding, our heartbeat can jump to 100 beats per minute. This causes feelings of total physiological overwhelm and anxiety.
Obviously if we are engaged in conflict with another person, becoming flooded can be really damaging to that interaction. Not only is it a terrible feeling for ourselves when we are triggered, but it can actually escalate conflict as the person we are engaged with might feel like we are ignoring them or responding this way on purpose. We want to try to regulate ourselves so that we can continue to engage meaningfully and not feel paralyzed or frozen.
Here are some ways to help manage flooding:
1. Identify. Identify that you are feeling flooded. If this seems impossible in the moment, you can prepare by practicing how you would like to respond in the moment ahead of time. This can look like rehearsing in your head so that in the moment, you have already prepared what you might want to say.
2. Pause. Hit the pause button. This gives you the time needed to respond instead of reacting. During this quick pause, you give yourself the space needed to say “I need a break”.
3. Call a time out. It can take 20-30 minutes for your nervous system to come out of a flooded state. Ask for a time out and go do something else until you feel you are able to engage safely. This should be no less than 20 minutes but not more than 24 hours. It is important to come back to the issue eventually.
4. Self-soothe. Find a self-soothing strategy to support yourself. Breathwork and grounding exercises will help your nervous system regulate so that you can start to feel calm sooner. Try to do this instead of focusing on the conflict or using this time to prepare your next response. Focusing on the conflict will make it difficult for your nervous system to calm down. If you are unfamiliar with breathwork or grounding exercises, try looking some up on the internet and finding the tool that feels right for you.
5. Gentle self talk. Remember to be gentle with yourself during these times that you are flooded. Remember that you are not stupid or dumb if you become flooded. This response is automatic. Your nervous system is working hard to protect you from a perceived threat, that is its job. When you become flooded try to speak to yourself with kindness. This might look like “I am OK. I am safe. I just need some time and space to calm down and then I can come back to this.”
In addition to these helpful ways to manage flooding in the moment, it is important to maintain good self-care in your life to prevent flooding from occurring in the first place. We are more likely to become flooded and less likely to be able to manage flooding if we have not been engaging in proper self care. Making sure you are supporting yourself by getting regular exercise, good sleep, and a healthy diet all help with managing flooding.
If you are struggling with flooding and would like support in learning how to manage, contact us at info@openheart-counselling.ca.