How to Handle Difficult Conversations.

Tools to opening difficult conversations so that they are less threatening and easier to navigate.

Difficult conversations in relationships are normal and inevitable. But they don’t need to be so difficult. One of the reasons that they can be so difficult is because one or both people feel threatened. We can use simple skills and tools to ensure that these conversations are less threatening and easier to navigate. Sometimes, the most difficult part is opening the conversation in a way that allows for safety for both people. Here are some ways to ensure the other person feels safe and ready to have a difficult conversation.

The first step we can take to make sure that both people are ready for a difficult conversation is to ask for permission. We cannot force others to talk about a situation if they aren’t ready to do so themselves. More importantly, having difficult conversations when the other person is forced into it and hasn’t had time to process the situation yet can actually make things worse. Not everyone processes at the same pace, and if one person has finished processing and another has not, that creates a power imbalance. If one person identifies that they are not ready to talk, just let them know you are ready and will wait for them until they feel the safe to have the conversation. By asking for permission we communicate to the other person that we recognize that we might not be processing things at the same pace and that we respect their process, no matter how long it takes. It also communicates that we value that they are feeling safe in this conversation, and that their safety is just as important as having the conversation.

Some examples of asking for permission look like:

“Is this a good time to talk about what happened?”

“I’d really like to talk about what happened, but I want to make sure you feel ready for that conversation.“

“I know this is hard, but it is important to me that we talk about this. Do you have the time and capacity to talk about it now?”

“I want you to know that I love you, and that I am ready to talk when you are.”

“I would like to give us both the chance to talk about what happened and to be able to explain ourselves when we are feeling calm. Can you let me know when you feel ready to be in that space together?”

All of these examples have one thing in common; they are checking in with the other person and asking for permission to have the conversation before jumping. It can be very triggering when we jump into difficult conversations without asking for permission first. This can make the other person feel defensive, creating a dynamic that already puts the conversation at a disadvantage. When we feel defensive we do not feel safe, making us more likely to be reactive and less likely to be able to hear what the other person is saying.

If the other person knows that we want to talk to them, but also that we are respecting their space and creating an environment that cares for their safety, they are better able to return to the conversation feeling calm. When we feel calm we are better able to listen, to empathize, to understand and to problem solve collaboratively. These are all skills required to navigate difficult conversations.

It is also important that we approach the conversation when we ourselves are grounded and regulated. If we are jumping into a difficult conversation without giving ourselves time to regulate and process, we are also showing up in a way that disadvantages the conversation. We might do this because the tension caused by a situation or issue makes us feel anxious, causing us to want to fix it right away. If unresolved tension in your relationship makes you feel so anxious that you obsess and ruminate over it to the point that you feel that you need to address it right away, you are probably not approaching the conversation from a place of calm or safety. If this happens to you, it can be helpful to ask to check in with yourself. You might ask yourself “What do I need in order to approach a difficult conversation from a place of calm?” or “What can I do to help myself feel safe before approaching this conversation?” Checking in with yourself is a way of honouring your own needs before turning towards the needs of the other person. By doing this you help create safety for yourself.

Please note that the information here is to be taken as a suggestion and does not provide a full scope of support for all difficult conversations within relationships. Each person and each relationship is unique, so it’s possible that not all of these skills or tools are useful or helpful. If you found this information helpful, I am glad, but if you feel you need further support please contact us at info@openheart-counselling.ca